Special Trips

Take a special trip with each child.

(Drew took our son, Jonas, on an overnight camping trip to the mountains. He still talks about this trip 2 years later. Our daughter is looking forward to her turn when she gets a little older.)

Why not do something like this over the upcoming holidays? Even if you can't go on an overnight trip, take a morning or an afternoon to do something just with each child.

This will be our last entry for the year. Have a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year. Feel free to visit us at Hope Church on Christmas day for a fun-filled one hour family service. www.hopechurch.co.za

Time With No Agenda

Make special times to just be with your children without an agenda.

We’ve mentioned this before, but one idea is to book in a night each month for a family night. Have times that are dedicated to just being together and having fun (Games, video, slumber party in mom and dad's room).

Also, date times with your kids are great for mom and for dad to do. They communicate to the kids that they are valued and they help deepen your relationship with them.

Spend Quality Time With Your Children

Someone once said, “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.”

As parents it can sometimes be difficult to spend time with our kids if we don’t feel like we’re accomplishing anything. We’re often happy to be with them if that involves doing something else as well. (Taking them to their many activities, going to soccer games, buying school supplies, working on homework, or having them close by while we do our work…the list goes on and on.)

But sometimes in the midst of all this good activity with our children we end up missing them.

Be Affectionate With Your Hands

If you have girls, dance with them. If you have boys, walk with your arms around their shoulders.

Wrestle and play with them. (We have tickle-wrestle time at least once a week. All the kids participate, even the little ones. Anya, our 3-year-old, jumps right in the middle of the pile. What a joy it is to be openly affectionate with my children.)

Hug And Kiss Your Children

Hug and kiss your children regularly and daily.

A mother’s and father’s touch is crucial in the development of a child’s internal security, emotional development and physical development.

Hug and kiss your children even when they get older. Don’t stop just because they are older. Nothing has changed. They are still your children and they need to know that your relationship hasn’t changed just because their bodies have.

In the past, fathers have been notorious for not being able to show affection, particularly physical affection, to their children. Dad’s might need to work on this a bit more, but both moms and dads should give regular physical affection.

Doesn't a hug from your little one sound good right now? Stop what you're doing and go give them a big hug and kiss.

Write Your Child Notes

Write notes for your children and slip them under their door or put them in their lunch box.

I try and think of ways I can be encouraging them throughout the week.

Drew recently wrote a not for each of the kids and slipped it under their door for them to find in the morning. They ran into our room the next day exclaiming, “Dad, I got your note!” They were so excited.

They don’t easily forget those things.

Kids don’t usually question their mother’s love, but sometimes they do wonder if Dad loves them. So Dads, this is something to think about for you to do. Notes communicate our love in a lasting way.

Take Your Children On Dates

Take your children on “dates”.

I, Megan, get to spend more time with the kids so Drew often does “dates with dad.” He takes turns taking each of our kids out for some special time with just him. They love it! They look forward to it.

To this day, Drew talks about the one date his dad had with him when he was eight. He can tell you details of that experience. Dates with your children will live with them for the rest of their lives. They'll remember and they'll feel special.

Go on a date with your child.

Everything You Say Matters

Be aware of everything you say; does it build or tear down?

A simple definition of “encourage” is “to put courage in.” “Discourage” means “to take away courage.”

Look for opportunities to encourage, especially if your children are obviously discouraged or vulnerable for some reason.

Even right now, think of a way you can encourage your child today. Then go and do it!

Communicate Encouragement with Your Face

Communicate encouragement with your face and your expressions.

When Drew was bathing our children one night our daughter asked him, “Dad what’s wrong with your face?” He realized he had been thinking about work, and his face was twisted and worried. She thought she had done something wrong. It’s the same with me. If I’m stressed or frustrated it’s often worn on my face. Our kids notice and it affects them.

Five Ways To Love Your Child

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” ~Elizabeth Stone

As a parent, you understand this feeling. So often I stand over the beds of my sleeping children and feel my heart aching with love as I look at their precious faces.

But more than feeling love for our children, we have to show it to them. This is one of the most fundamental and important aspects of parenting. You can’t assume that they know they are loved – they can’t see you standing over them while they sleep – you have to demonstrate regularly.

Five ways you can do that:

1. Become Your Child's Primary Encourager
2. Give Regular Physical Attention
3. Have Quality Time With Your Child
4. When You're With Your Kids, BE With Your Kids
5. Demonstrate Unconditional Love

We're going to look closer at each one of these five ways to love your children over the next few months. The one thing your children should never have to experience is doubt as to whether or not you really love them.

Good Character

The 1950’s author, Elmer G. Letterman said a statement that holds true for all time, “Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.”

The integrity and character of your children will have a direct impact on their success. They may reach the top, but only good character will keep them there.

Teach Them to Reconcile With Each Other

Teach them to reconcile with each other and with other relationships they have.

If one of our children has wronged the other, then they must learn to say sorry and take responsibility. And then the other child must learn to forgive. We do not let hurts get swept under the carpet or just move on from them. We try and deal with them head on and walk our children through it. We insist that they use the words, "Will you forgive me." Then the person must reply, "I forgive you." You'll be surprised just how powerful those words are. (Note: Insisting that your children ask forgiveness from those whom they’ve wronged is better than just having them say sorry. Asking forgiveness requires a response, which enables your child to feel the weight of his bad behaviour more.)

Another part of this is learning to make restitution. If the children break someone else’s toy, then they must buy another and replace it. They must make it right. Sometimes saying sorry is only part of the solution. Sometimes they need to right the wrong they have done.

Extend Grace and Forgiveness

Forgive your children when they wrong you or make a mistake. Again we’re still focusing on our example as parents. Our children will inevitably make mistakes and say things that hurt us as well. We must model an attitude of grace and forgiveness. It doesn’t mean we approve of the behaviour, but we extend grace to the person. As we extend grace and forgiveness to them they will learn to extend it to others.

My six-year-old daughter once said to me, "Mom, you don't know anything." Those words really hurt my heart. We spent some time talking about it. She cried. I cried. But I forgave her and we both learned something about ‘working things out’.

Learn To Say Sorry

If you make a mistake as a parent admit your mistake and ask forgiveness from your children. Learn to say, “Sorry!” and “Will you forgive me?” As parents, it’s hard to admit our weaknesses, especially to our children. But it will speak powerfully to our children.

I am often saying sorry to our children. If I’m grumpy or speaking harshly because I’m having “one of those days” sometimes I just stop and say,” Mommy is grumpy today but it is no excuse for her to speak harshly. I’m so sorry I’ve been doing that. Will you forgive me?” And they do.

Children are very gracious. We cannot expect them to say sorry to others if we cannot say sorry to them. As someone once said, “Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.”

Encourage and Praise Good Behavior

Encourage and praise good behavior. As parents we’re quick to see the negatives in our children. Work on noticing the positives. If I see one of my children help one of the younger ones, or talking nicely or even just sharing a toy willingly, I pull them aside and praise them and thank them for how kindly they’ve acted.

Our number three, can sometimes be a challenge. I think it is the ‘middle child syndrome’. I have to make sure I make an effort to encourage her because I feel like I am often correcting her. You may need to make an intentional effort to look for opportunities to praise the good behavior of a child who is particularly difficult.

My mother-in-law also has a story she tells about Drew. He used to use negative behaviour to secure his mother’s attention. But she started focusing on his good behaviour and Drew learned that good behaviour gets more attention. When he would throw a tantrum on the floor, she would simply walk away and ignore him. Eventually he'd realize that it wasn't working. But when he did something positive she would go overboard with praises. He soon figured out that good behavior is much more rewarding.

Reward Positive Behavior

It’s often easy to focus on punishing bad behavior but a great way to motivate our children is to reward good behavior.

Idea #1: Set up an awards system in your house.

We do this for chores. Our children all have chores to do in the morning before we begin our day. If they do their chores without me telling them to or nagging them about it, then they get a ticket that is kept in a jar with their name on it. Another way they can earn a ticket is if I see them do something really helpful around the house without me asking them to do it. At the end of the week we have a buying day. I have a small container with little toys and treasures in it that they get to purchase with their tickets.

Our children also take piano lessons. If they practice four days in a row then they get a chocolate bar. We have a chart and stickers to monitor this.

You may want think of other creative ways in which you can reward positive behavior.

Teach Them to Respect Nature

Teach them to respect nature. Much of teaching respect is also teaching them to take responsibility for their actions and their world around them. Nature is there for us to enjoy its beauty and for others' enjoyment as well.

Therefore we do not throw rubbish out the window of our car or trample flowerbeds. We protect it and keep it clean for our benefit and for the benefit of those around us.

When our children throw rubbish on the ground, we insist that they pick it up and put it in a bin, and then we explain the importance of caring for nature.

Teach Them to Respect Property

Teach them to respect property. We teach our children that people are of value and therefore we must treat them that way. But that also goes for their property because property belongs to people.

In our family we are fairly relaxed in letting our children play all over our house. But they’re not allowed to just break things or play in such a way that will damage something in the house. We try and take that value to other people’s houses as well. We don’t allow them to climb all over the furniture and throw balls at windows. They must know the boundaries and respect them. If something is damaged because they did not respect it, then we will insist that they take responsibility by replacing it or fixing it.

Talk about this with your children and make sure you explain why property is important - because people are important and we must respect them and what belongs to them.

Teach Them to Respect People of Age

Teach them to respect people of age.

I remember when I was younger we never called any adult by their first name. It was always Mr. Smith and Mrs. Ronald. Over the years, I’ve lost a bit of this value. When we lived in Pietermaritzburg we had two Zulu men that lived with us. They were horrified when our children kept calling all the adults who came to visit by their first names! Since then we have worked harder at this.

There is something in respecting those who have gone before us. We try and encourage our children to greet adults with a handshake and call them uncle or auntie. We also try to make them aware of elderly people and to learn to give up their seat in a public place for them. This helps our children to learn to be aware of others and also to think outside of themselves.

Are You Respectful?

Be aware of how you speak to your spouse and your children. Are you respectful? Are you, as a parent, building a culture of respect in your home? When your children disrespect you or others, self-examine yourself. Have they learned it from you? Children often mirror what we say and how we behave.

The other day my six-year-old daughter said to her sisters, “Get over here right now!” I realized that she was saying what I normally say and in the same harsh tone that I often use.

Teach Them to Respect Their Parents and Siblings

Teach your children to respect you (their parents) and other family members in the home. This will be the foundation to teaching them to respect other people. If it is not happening in the home it is unlikely to happen outside of the home.

We have a respect policy in our house. Our children are expected to respect us and what we say, to respect their siblings by the way they speak to them and treat them, and to respect others that enter our house by the way they act and greet them.

For instance, our children have to stop and listen when we’re talking to them and then they have to respond with a “Yes Dad” or “Yes Mom.” They have to make eye contact with us. And we insist on a verbal response to our requests or discussions.

If people come over for a visit, they must greet them properly - complete with a handshake and a "nice to meet you."

Teach Them to Respect Others and the World Around Them

My 2-year-old saw a chocolate bar wrapper on the ground the other day. She picked it up voluntarily, found the nearest rubbish bin and threw it away. No doubt she was just mimicking what she’s seen or heard. But I hope that’s something she’ll continue to do – not because she’s “suppose” to, but out of respect for others and the world around her.

Teaching our children to respect others and the world around them will have a profound affect on what kind of people they grow up to be. Imagine a world where every child learned this and every parent taught it. Over the next few weeks we’ll look at ways in which you can do this. Perhaps for now you can think of ways to teach your children how to respect others.

Use Everyday Examples To Teach Character

Take opportunities to talk about examples of consequences as they arise. Use everyday examples from you children’s lives.

Example: Your daughter says, “Alice got in trouble today for lying.” You say, “I’m not surprised. Lying is wrong and will always bring trouble. It’s always best to tell the truth.”

Choices Affect Others Too

Teach them that their choices don’t just affect them but they also affect people around them.

Example: If one of my children chooses to continue to talk harshly to her siblings, then one consequence might be that she loses the privilege of playing with everyone that day and she has to be isolated in her room for a period of time. (But we must teach them through this. Meanness or harsh speaking hurts other people, creates a bad atmosphere in the house and teaches the younger siblings that it is acceptable behaviour.)

Their behaviour affects the world around them, not just them. These seem like small choices and consequences now, but if we can help them through these things, then hopefully it will equip them to better face the big choices they will have to make as an adolescent.

Follow Through With the Consequences

Give them choices and follow through with the consequences of those choices.

Example: If you tell them that if they don’t eat their dinner then they won’t get pudding, then stick to what you say. If they make the choice not to eat the dinner then they DON’T get the pudding. If you give in and give them pudding anyway they only learn that there aren’t real consequences to their choices and you don’t really mean what you say.

Teach Them the Consequences of Choices

As parents we know the consequences certain choices have had on our own lives. Some have been positive consequences and some have been negative. Our children need to know at a young age that there are consequences to every choice they make. The sooner they learn this it will enable them to think through their choices and hopefully make the wise choice. Using choices also helps them gain self-control and discipline. We'll explain more about this over the next few weeks.

Practical Examples Of Good Explaining

Instead of “Don’t be mean to your sister,” try “Be kind with your sister, because she is a valuable person whose heart can be hurt by mean words. Speak to people how you would want them to speak to you.”

Instead of “Don’t run across the veranda at church!” try “Walk on the veranda because there are people there in wheel chairs, people who are elderly, moms with babies and people walking with tea and coffee. We must be aware of others so we don’t cause any accidents.”

Don't Just Say "Because I Said So"

Tell them the reason why you are asking them not to do something. A simple, “Do this because I say so,” can often make them feel restrained and frustrated because they don’t understand the reason behind the request. They need to know the moral reason why in their hearts so they are equipped to make that good decision again.

As the writer, Roger Lewin once said, “Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.”

My son Jonas can respond to others harshly sometimes. I don’t just want to tell him to stop speaking harshly. I want to teach him about people being precious and how our words need to build people up and not tear them down.

Explain the Reasons Why They Should Do What You Say

As we train our children in what to do and what not to do we need to explain the reason behind it. We want to equip our children to make good decisions for themselves. Our goal should be to teach them to make the right decision even when we’re not there to tell them what the right decision is. We want good inner character not just controlled outward behaviour.

If I Had My Child To Raise Again

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"

Learn To Sacrifice Preferences

Learn to sometimes sacrifice your own preferences for your children or your spouse. It might feel like you do that already all the time, but sometimes there are still things we need to lay down and pick up again when our children are a bit older. It feels difficult to do that now but it will be worth it in the end.

Megan would love to work more with the poor in Durban, but she’s a full time educator, mother and Sunday school teacher. She can’t do everything. So she’s made a choice to postpone her passion to work more with the poor until the children are older.

Continually Review Your Priorities

What actually is most important in life? Are there things that are in your life that don’t actually need to be there? Things that take up important time you could spend with your family? We need to be the ones making the priorities happen in our life. We can’t just react to life, we need to be leading in it.

At the beginning of each month, Megan and I have a ‘diary’ night. We sit down and diarize our priorities. Then everything else must fit around those things. Some of our priorities include: A date night every Monday, church on Sundays, church small group meetings on Wednesday night, and a family night at least once a month. We also try to focus on doing something fun specifically with the children on our day off. And as the father, I make sure I’m there every time.

What are the most important things in your family life? Plan those first, then fit everything else around them.

Guard Your Time With Your Family

See time with your family as a priority. We have to be intentional about this. If you don’t have to work late at the office, then don’t. Your children need you during this time. There are many pressures on us at this stage of life, but don’t let the pressures control you. And refuse to let them rob you of time with your children.

Put Your Family Above Your Work And Yourself

We're back after a short break. Hope you had a wonderful parenting experience over the holidays. Now that school has started back, life just got busy again. We hope that these parenting suggestions will help you to keep focus of the importance and joy of raising your children well.

When we get to the end of our lives we’re probably not going to say that we wish we would have spent longer hours at work, had more money to buy more things or wish we could’ve been busier people. We’ll most likely say that we wish we had had more time with the people we loved. Not to say that our jobs and careers are not important, they are, but we have to be sure we're putting first things first. This time in our lives when we are raising our children can often feel busy and overwhelming, and we can be in danger of wishing it away. But we must remember we only have a small window of opportunity to impact the lives of our children. It is a precious time that we don’t want to miss. And when that opportunity is gone we’ll probably wish it were back.